ShareNo pig is ever going to grunt that the trough must be removed.? Certainly not when its snout is buried deep inside. Greedy FIFA committee members have gobbled up the truffles placed before them for so long they assume the rich pickings are their God-given right.
And the little pigs have been so comfortable rolling around in the muck and manure they don't even notice the overpowering stench any more. That is why they appear outraged when anyone dares to mention the stink hanging over everything they do, snorting 'liar!' before returning to the troughs in their pig paradise.
It is all you need to know to explain why FIFA delegates voted to keep the ham-actor-cum-crook Sepp Blatter as their president. He is the porker-in-chief, which is why they all indulge him. And since Blatter's not about to hurl himself in front of any bacon-slicer, removing him from office is not an easy option.
King of the porkers: Sepp is free to gobble up all FIFA's rich-pickings (Illustration by Andy Ward)
'So how can the public force him out?' you ask. There is a very simple solution. Don't put food in his trough.
The most effective way to bring about some kind of change on this undemocratic, unelected clique is to hit FIFA and Blatter where it hurts - by kicking them right in the sponsors. Make sure every company handing their money over to this crooked cabal is made to feel acutely conscious of their compromised position.
'But,' you say, 'this won't make a difference.' It might. Gillette, Gatorade, AT&T and Tag Heuer all quietly dropped Tiger Woods when they found out he had been doing to cocktail waitresses what Blatter has been doing to football since 1998.
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twitter.com/DesKellyDM'But how does tha ouch!' I apologise for slapping your face, but if you keep interrupting with stupid questions and killjoy remarks we are never going to make it to the end of this article.
Here is a list of the official commercial partners currently linked to FIFA. They are: adidas, Coca-Cola, Emirates, Hyundai-Kia, Sony and Visa.
Coca-Cola coughed up a whopping ?290million to have their name emblazoned across Blatter's circus tents, a deal that expires in 2012. Sony spent ?185m hoping you might be persuaded to buy their TVs as opposed to another brand, such as Panasonic for instance. Yes, that's PANASONIC, who make very good televisions indeed and, coincidentally, do not sponsor Blatter's FIFA.
In fact, I suggest you try this method of selective trading for yourself. It's quite easy. If you are heading to Wembley to see England face Switzerland, or shopping in your high street, just buy a Pepsi instead of a Coke. After all, if Coca-Cola were that concerned about their image as 'the real thing', they wouldn't be pouring money into the pockets of FIFA. Then pay for it with your MasterCard, or any piece of plastic that doesn't have FIFA sponsor Visa stamped all over it.
Corporate business can certainly be frightened into taking action, particularly when individual protests become part of a wider movement. And that is where the worldwide web can do something more constructive than spread gossip about a bonking footballer.
Vile: FIFA president Sepp Blatter (left) and vice president Julio Grondona (right)
So when you pick a Pepsi instead of a Coke, tell Coca-Cola about it. Explain how their support for Blatter leaves an unpleasant taste in your mouth via email or via Twitter (@cocacola).
The same goes for Sony (@Sony), adidas (@adidasUK), Hyundai (@Hyundai) and Emirates (@Flying_Emirates). They all bankroll Blatter's FIFA. They all fill his trough.
Pass the messages on to me at the Twitter and email addresses on this page if you like, or send them to the many FIFA protest sites that have sprung up of late. Even if nothing immediate happens, the pressure builds and at the very least you'll feel better about yourself.
??More from Des Kelly...?Des Kelly: Time for **** ***** to write his own story in Champions League history28/05/11?Des Kelly: Backing Avram Grant was the West Ham board's big mistake...21/05/11?Des Kelly: We really need a Wembley classic to resuscitate the FA Cup13/05/11?Des Kelly: How do you stop Messi? Sir Alex might just know!06/05/11?Des Kelly: Jose Mourinho has a point, Barcelona DO get away with it29/04/11?Des Kelly: Stress? Managers should just think of their ?3m salaries23/04/11?Des Kelly: Farcical exodus illustrates FA's serious contempt for football fans15/04/11?Des Kelly: I'll cut out the curses - Rooney can do it too!08/04/11?VIEW FULL ARCHIVE? FIFA is certainly beyond redemption when Blatter's right-hand man is a contemptible talking anus like senior vice-president Julio Grondona. This was the man who leapt to his feet to decry English complaints as 'lies' this week, ignoring the fact the scandal had mainly been created by his fellow committee members.
Let us stick to the truth, then, and remind everyone of the time in 2003 when Grondona replied to a question about refereeing standards in his Argentina homeland by saying: 'I do not believe a Jew can ever be a referee at this level. It's hard work and, you know, Jews don't like hard work.'
If there really is such a thing as the 'FIFA family', Grondona must be the old, racist uncle you dread inviting to any gathering.
But as a succession of little pigs from Benin, Congo and Cyprus emerged from their houses of straw to defend their benefactor Blatter, one English newspaper actually joined in this week, trying to explain how he had actually done some good in his time. His 'achievements' included making more cash and being around as football grew in popularity. Sure. And Mussolini made the trains run on time, too.
But Blatter was shamed into making a concession that he was presiding over a mess. He called on 'dear friend' and controversial diplomat Henry Kissinger to chair his new 'solution committee'. The former US Secretary of State and aide to President Richard Nixon (and, my, that went well) is supposedly going to root out the truth behind all the allegations of corruption.
Kissinger also happens to be the chairman of his own high-powered corporate consultancy these days. He generally refuses to disclose the identity of his clients, but one of the many companies he has worked with did leak out. It was Coca-Cola. But then, you probably guessed that.
Mark has to be one jump aheadAs a general rule, you do not jump out of a plane without a parachute. I mention this because Mark Hughes has quit Fulham, insisting he most definitely does not have another club lined up, and especially not that job at Aston Villa.
The official line is that no contact has been made, that Hughes is probably allergic to the Midlands anyway and he wouldn't be able to find the city of Aston Villa on a map if he tried.
Giving the boot to those pesky rumours: Mark Hughes is not going to Aston Villa or Chelsea. Honest.
Add briefings from the Villa camp claiming they are not interested in employing one of the brightest, most ambitious managers in the league, despite shoving manager Gerard Houllier out the door with a 'get well soon' card, and it's all quite puzzling.
Only an incurable cynic would suggest the situation might look very different when inconvenient employment clauses expire in a month's time. So I won't do that. Instead, I'll say Hughes does not have a job lined up if you rule out Villa or Chelsea.
P.S. Please don't write in to tell me there is no city of Aston Villa. And yes, I know some of you were about to.
KP in declineFuture water carrier? Kevin Pietersen
If England players are picked on current form alone, then Kevin Pietersen should be wearing an apron and trundling out with the drinks trolley at Lord's during the intervals. Having been out for three last week, two on Friday, a rousing one surely beckons.
But the decline goes back further than this. In 2006 Pietersen's average Test run rate was 53.72. Last year that had dropped to a respectable 41.55. This year, after three Tests, it is 13.67.
He is being picked on hope and past reputation. He may rediscover his best form one day, but in the interim perhaps he can do something useful for the team. One orange squash, no ice, perhaps.
Ticket lotteryThis week Ticketmaster took a lump out of my bank account. Apparently, I have 'won' the lottery for London 2012 Olympics tickets -? a win that has cost me ?856.00. Now this might be great news if I had any idea what they had taken the money for.
The amount doesn't correspond directly to any event I can recall, since the 2012 organisers reserve the right to switch ticket price categories anyway.
Admittedly, I did try for quite a few. It was late. The website crashed. Swear words may have been muttered; some drink may have been taken. The deadline passed. They extended the cut-off by an hour and I tried some more. But by this stage, I was just clicking on things at random hoping they might work.
Something did, apparently, and I'm one of the lucky ones. Now I have to wait for another three months to discover how lucky I am, or whether I really did hit the button for the Greco-Roman wrestling.
Since the 2012 organisers have the wherewithal to take my money, they should be capable of firing an email over explaining what I've paid for. It's quite ludicrous they have not.
He cost ?50m, you knowThe somewhat horrific shirt below is supposedly one of Chelsea's kits for the coming season. Many wondered what the bizarre grill pattern across the shoulders was meant to represent. The theory is, it is to remind Fernando Torres what a net looks like.
F1 dead wrongHow much is a dead body worth? About ?816,000 if Bernie Ecclestone's calculations are anything to go by.
Youwill recall how the Bahrain Grand Prix was cancelled a little over 12 weeks ago amid violent pro-democracy street protests. The imposition ofmartial law and the arrival of 1,000 extra troops from Saudi Arabia crushed the dissent. At the end of all the carnage, 30 civilians were dead.
But since then, Ecclestone, the F1 commercial rights holder, has been pushing to go backto the Gulf state. Surely that can't be because otherwise Bahrain couldbe asking for the return of the ?24.5million it originally paid to hostthe race.
Incredibly,the World Motor Sport Council passed that repulsive proposal, although the state of emergency in the Gulf kingdom was lifted a mere 48 hours earlier.
The October 30 race now threatens to be a public relations disaster, as it will become the focal point for more riots or another brutal security crackdown.
Where does Formula One go from here? Libya, perhaps. Then North Korea. Just as longas they give Bernie the cash, it doesn't seem to matter. As for human rights, Formula One just drives over them.
?From wedding singer to Fifa's Godafther: The hidden secrets of Sepp BlatterHamilton set for Bahrain Grand Prix after race is given the green light
?Explore more:People: Mark Hughes, Sepp Blatter, Tiger Woods, Bernie Ecclestone, Fernando Torres, Gerard Houllier, Kevin Pietersen, Henry Kissinger Places: London, Argentina, Cyprus, Bahrain, Congo, Libya, North Korea, United Kingdom, Switzerland Organisations: World Motor Sport Council
Source: Daily Mail
Source: Daily Mail